“Well and what’s cheese? Corpse of milk”
- James Joyce
I know it’s vulgar, but what do you want me to say? That cheese everyone is so attached to is just bovine breast milk– coagulated, pressed and moldering, sliced into blocks for you to display at your next gathering of cheese eaters. Unsuspecting cows have their babies stolen from them within days of birth and crated off to veal farms, so that we can take their milk and curdle it into camembert. But no one said it wasn’t delicious, right? Delicious and guaranteed to stick like glue to the insides of your aortic valve. Awesome.
That’s why we need things like vegan cheese in this world although I must say, someone should have warned me. I’m not gonna lie; we’ve had some bad experiences. Have you? Most of the ones we’ve tried have been kraft-style slices, individually wrapped in plastic, that taste like nothing. They’re not gross precisely, but they haven’t any taste and when heated, the slices drape more closely to the food they’re placed upon, but don’t exactly change consistency like actual melted cheese does. Oh, and they look like plastic. Not delicious. In fact, they seem to suck the deliciousness out of everything they touch because all we talk about is the bizarro “cheese” and we totally overlook the real food we’re eating.
Now I know most Vegans worth their olsen Haus collection know about Daiya cheese, but we just discovered it and I. am. psyched. I tend to avoid foods that are made as imitations of other, non-vegan foods, but this imitation cheddar is divine. I’m not going to be eating it all by itself anytime soon, but it makes a mean grilled cheese and that’s good enough for this (former) cheese eater.
Let’s never lose touch.
5 Comments
i’m jealous that you have discovered Daiya. I’ve heard so much about it but it’s not sold in my city yet
I might just have to go to Toronto and get me some.
Oh that is such a bummer! I wonder if it freezes well; then maybe you could order it? You know, for special cheese-related occasions…
“That cheese everyone is so attached to is just bovine breast milk– coagulated, pressed and moldering, sliced into blocks for you to display at your next gathering of cheese eaters. Unsuspecting cows have their babies stolen from them within days of birth and crated off to veal farms, so that we can take their milk and curdle it into camembert. But no one said it wasn’t delicious, right? Delicious and guaranteed to stick like glue to the insides of your aortic valve. Awesome.”
OK Selfish Vegan, I have just about had it. I worked on a farm, and I did steal a calf from its mother one frightening night. But the calf was not crated off to the veal farm. And the mother returned to her happy docile ways after a few days. I don’t think she became nihilistic.
I happen to love cheese–Cheddar, Romano, Pecorino, Parmesan; the list goes on and on. I remember you pining for some of that parmesan and cheddar doused popcorn that I am so fond of.
And besides I no longer use butter on my popcorn. Now I use olive oil. Plus I always eat hoovers after my bowl of delicious drenched fluffed up kernels.
However, the picture of your fake cheese sandwich looks great.
Relax.
I’ll relax when you stop kidding yourself about that cow. Besides Pops, your age is showing. Most milk doesn’t come from nicely run family farms with compassion and ethics anymore. Google “Conklin Dairy Farms” for a horrifying dose of current events.
And yes, I did pine. As any five year old child would when their father spends an hour creating a popcorn masterpiece and then refuses to share.
For about 4 months we bought something called “SoyMoon” or was it “SoyMoo” cheese. (Im not sure if it was vegan) It was AMAZING. Then it disappeared.
We havent quite given up cheese completely but at least it is no longer a staple.
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